


Sledgehammer

by charlesdk



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Canon Compliant, Depression, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, POV Steve Rogers, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 11:41:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10570575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlesdk/pseuds/charlesdk
Summary: Steve was never meant for love, was never supposed to fall in love. But then the universe showed him an angel – a possibility of happiness – and how could he not chase after it?





	

Steve Rogers was never meant for love. He was never supposed to fall in love, was never meant for that kind of enjoyment in life.

Back in the day, he never allowed himself to get anywhere near love. He always shoved and kicked and hid away from any and all feelings that came anywhere near resembling love of the romantic kind.

He did it because he knew he wouldn't be around to live a full life. Whether it would be because his body finally gave up on him and decided his persistent fighting wasn't good enough anymore, or because his big mouth finally ran too far and some asshole took their rage out on him on a day where Bucky wouldn't be able to get to him in time.

He was never going to live a full life. He knew that and he didn't want to burden anyone with that.

He didn't want to fall in love and have to see the person he gave his heart to suffer as he faded away into nothing and finally stopped breathing. If he was lucky enough to be loved back, that was, which never seemed to be the case.

No one wanted skinny, sickly, little Steve Rogers who threw himself into every fight he could find and started them when he couldn't.

And then the war happened and Steve was suddenly almost a foot taller and healthier and stronger and Captain goddamn America, and the grim reaper that had always been lurking nearby withered away to let him see a future he never knew he could have.

So he allowed the walls he had build up to crumble just a little. He briefly allowed love to touch his heart when Peggy Carter punched her way through the thick walls surrounding it and, for just a second, he thought he could have something that could one day blossom into love.

But then Bucky fell and Steve lost a part of himself and saw no reason to live. Life and the future and love – that wasn't for him anyway. So he crashed the Valkyrie, apologizing to Peggy and sprinting after his right hand man and easily giving up something that was never meant for him.

When he woke up in the future – alive and well and not aged a day while everyone he knew and cared about were either dead or couldn't remember him half the time, a cruel thing that was his reality – the walls were back up in an instant, thicker this time.

In the future and with the Avengers, Steve never thought about love. It was the last thing on his mind despite Natasha constantly trying to set him up with people after Manhattan and Loki.

Steve was never meant for love, was never supposed to fall in love. But then the universe showed him an angel – a possibility of happiness – and how could he not chase after it?

♡  


“He's pretty cute,” Natasha said without taking her eyes off the road.

Steve glanced at her and quirked a brow, a teasing grin already forming on his lips. “I thought you and Clint were together,” he said, desperately trying to swallow down the jealousy that swelled in the pit of his stomach at the thought of Natasha going after Sam.

He wasn't possessive, he told himself. He'd only just met the guy and yeah, Sam might be the most gorgeous person he'd ever allowed himself to really look at and Sam might be the only person aside from Peggy he'd allowed himself to try (and fail) to flirt with and Sam might be the only person Steve had ever felt this... tingly with, but that meant nothing.

“Clint and I are enjoying each other's company,” Natasha said and shot him a glance. “But I wasn't talking about for myself.”

Steve blinked, his face suddenly hot as a flush warmed it. “I don't know what you're talking about,” he said and looked away, willing down the blush that painted his cheeks pink.

Natasha gave him a look that meant she didn't believe him. Steve just pointedly looked out the front window and said nothing, silently telling his heart to calm the fuck down.

“You are allowed to love, you know,” she said after a few minutes of silence. Contrary to the teasing earlier, her voice was soft now.

Steve glanced at her, his face falling. The flush slowly faded away as a sadness settled in his chest instead of embarrassment.

He wasn't allowed to love, never had been. First because he didn't allow himself to and then because the one time he thought he might have a chance at a happy ending with someone, the universe decided he wasn't allowed to live a happy life and he had wanted the pain to end.

It hadn't ended and he'd taken the hint. Love wasn't for him.

He didn't tell Natasha that though. Instead, he looked out the window and fell silent for the rest of the drive.

And if he punched the guys on the Lemurian Star a little harder than necessary, then that was his business.

♡  


“What makes you happy?” Sam asked him.

Steve looked to the side, a humorless smile on his lips and a heavy feeling in his heart.

Nothing, he wanted to answer. Nothing made him happy anymore. In the past, art had made him happy. Or maybe not happy but it had made him feel good instead of angry and frustrated and sad. Bucky had made him happy too but he was gone. And Steve's happiness was gone too.

Art wasn't something he did anymore, not after everything. He couldn't find the time to pick up a pen and sketch or doodle anything even though he still felt the itch to do so whenever he looked at a blank surface or a canvas.

But he was Captain America. He was a soldier and when he had time to himself, he took his anger and sorrow out on punching bag after punching bag after punching bag, until his knuckles bruised and bled and his body was exhausted enough to sleep for just a few hours.

Happiness, though... that wasn't something he had felt in years. Maybe forever, if he really thought about it.

Steve took in a deep breath, turned to Sam, and kept his humorless smile on his lips when he said, “I don't know.”

But a voice in the back of his head told him Sam might be what could make him happy. Just once, just for a bit. And when Natasha asked him if there was anyone special, Sam was all he could think about.

But he said nothing.

♡  


Shield was Hydra, Hydra was Shield, and suddenly Steve didn't know who to trust anymore.

Except …

Except for the one person who had shown him kindness and who had begun to slowly, carefully, gently peel down the walls build up around Steve's heart.

And Steve went to him without even thinking twice about it, avoiding the knowing look in Natasha's eyes.

“Hey, man,” Sam greeted them, a questioning look on his face. He was sweating, glistening and panting slightly, and Steve tried not to think about it.

“I'm sorry about this,” Steve said. “We need a place to lay low.”

“Everyone we know is trying to kill us,” Natasha said.

Sam looked from Natasha to Steve and back again a few times. It didn't take long before a hard look took over his features. “Not everyone,” he said and stepped aside to let them in.

Steve felt like he could breathe a little bit easier knowing Sam was on his side.

♡  


“Is this Riley?” Steve asked, eyes on Sam as he took the picture from Natasha.

Sam nodded and said, “Yeah.”

Steve looked at him for a lingering moment while Natasha spoke, his mind reeling. He wanted to protect Sam, keep him safe. He didn't want to bring him into this mess. Even though, now that he really thought about it, showing up at his house with Natasha and asking him to hide them probably hadn't been the best idea.

“What did you use, a stealth suit?” Natasha was asking, and Steve snapped back to reality.

“No,” Sam said and lifted the file from the table, handing it to Steve. “These.”

Steve opened it and looked inside, and he was almost smiling at the fitting image in his hands. “I thought you said you were a pilot,” he said and looked back at Sam.

“I never said pilot,” Sam said. His smile was so smug and bright that Steve could practically feel the walls around his heart crumble a little more.

Steve sighed quietly. “I can't ask you to do this, Sam,” he said. “You got out for a good reason.”

“Dude, Captain America needs my help,” Sam said, his voice softened. “There's no better reason to get back in.”

Steve smiled and looked downward for a moment, willing down the flutter in his heart and the heat rising to his cheeks. Oh, loving Sam seemed like it could be the easiest thing in the world.

“Where can we get our hands on one of these things?” he asked, pushing the feelings aside as he closed the file.

“The last one is at Fort Meade,” Sam said with a sigh. “Behind three guarded gates and a twelve inch steel wall.”

Steve looked at Natasha and Natasha shrugged.

“Shouldn't be a problem,” he told Sam, grinning when Sam gave him a curious and amused look.

♡  


Sam was in the backyard strapping on a backpack (“Jetpack,” both Natasha and Sam had corrected him, twice now) onto his back, goggles with the glass colored red resting on top of his head.

Steve stood in the slide door, arms crossed and leaning against the frame and eyes firmly on Sam. Sam wasn't looking back at him, too busy putting on the Falcon suit, so Steve took the chance handed to him on a silver platter and fully took him in.

“You're not being very subtle, you know,” a voice to his right said, and Steve glanced over to see Natasha grinning knowingly at him.

“I don't know what you're talking about,” he said and looked away.

“I'm sure you don't,” Natasha said and stepped up beside him, eyes following his to Sam. “It's okay now. You know that, right?”

Steve said nothing.

“And if you had just told me, I wouldn't have wasted so much time trying to set you up with girls,” she continued, jabbing at his side with her elbow teasingly.

“I'm bisexual,” he found himself saying, heart flying into his throat the second the words had left him.

“Okay,” Natasha said, like it wasn't a big deal.

But it was. It was a big deal because Steve had never said it out loud before. It was a big deal because Steve had always been afraid to tell anyone that he liked both girls and guys and he had never found the courage to do it. It was a big deal because when he had found out there was word for it, it was like a whole weight had lifted off of his shoulders, but he had still been afraid to say it.

It seemed appropriate that Natasha was the first person he told. He always thought it would be Bucky but he was gone and Natasha was the closest thing to a best friend he had now.

“You should go for it,” Natasha said, and Steve tore his eyes off of Sam to look at her. She smiled softly at him. “What's the worst that could happen?”

“He could hear me,” Steve said flatly.

Natasha blinked. “Did you just quote- Never mind, you haven't seen it.” She shook her head. “But you do admit you like him, then?”

Steve lifted a shoulder in a half shrug, eyes returning to Sam sliding the goggles on. “Doesn't matter,” he said in a lowered voice.

Before Natasha could say anything, Steve leaned away from the frame of the door and stepped over toward Sam. He was running away from the conversation, he knew he was and he didn't care. He didn't want to talk about it anymore and thankfully Natasha let the subject drop.

When Sam spread out his wings, grinned widely at the two of them, winked at Steve, and took off into the sky, Steve could only watch with awe as he glided through the air; effortlessly and beautifully.

The last piece of the wall fell, and Steve fell in love.

♡  


Bucky was alive and Steve felt the world tilt under his feet. The words, “Who the hell is Bucky?” repeated themselves over and over again in his head while Hydra restrained him and put him in the back of a van along with Natasha and Sam.

They were still repeating themselves over and over again when Fury turned out to be alive too. And when he stood on the bridge, reminiscing of a time where Bucky had been there for him unconditionally, it was the voice of an angel that cut through his thoughts.

“He's gonna be there, you know.”

“I know,” Steve responded absently, voice rough.

“Look,” Sam said and came to a stop next to him. “Whoever he used to be and the guy he is now, I don't think he's the kind you save. He's the kind you stop.”

Steve paused, glancing Sam's way for a brief moment. “I don't know if I can do that,” he told him, only half telling the truth. In truth, he knew he couldn't do that.

“Well, he might not give you a choice. He doesn't know you.”

“He will,” Steve said and finally looked at him. There was worry in Sam's eyes and determination in Steve's.

Sam gave him a calculating look before he nodded. “Alright, man,” he said and took half a step closer. “I'll go with you, even if it's just to make sure you don't get your ass killed.”

Steve smiled and when Sam's hand squeezed his shoulder, he felt his heart flutter. And when Sam stood by his side and followed him into battle without hesitation, Steve fell even harder and he was gone.

Completely and utterly gone on him.

♡  


When Steve woke up it was to the sound of music and an aching pain coursing through his entire body. Well, what else should he have expected after being beaten to a pulp by Bucky, his best friend who didn't know who he or himself was, and falling from a crumbling helicarrier and into the Potomac?

The music was familiar and it only took him a couple of confused seconds before it clicked.

Marvin Gaye. His body felt a little lighter as he listened.

He blinked and slowly turned his head, dragging his eyes to his bedside where he found Sam sitting. Sam who had fought with him and stayed with him. Sam who Steve knew he could love one day if he allowed himself to.

And, looking at him now, he was pretty sure he would.

“On your left,” he rasped, smiling when Sam did.

♡  


Natasha handed him a file and told him, “Be careful, Steve. You might not want to pull on that thread.”

But when he flipped it open and saw a picture of Bucky frozen in ice, Steve knew he had no choice but to pull on it no matter the consequences. No matter how hard it would be and no matter how long it took.

It was Bucky and there wasn't even a discussion to be had or a single doubt in his mind. He needed to go after him.

“You're going after him,” Sam said. It wasn't a question, Steve knew, and it wasn't a guess either. It was a statement because Sam had already figured him out.

“You don't have to come with me,” Steve said. He wanted him to – God, did he want him to. But he had already asked so much of Sam and he wouldn't push for more.

“I know,” Sam said. He paused for only a brief moment before he asked, “When do we start?”

♡  


They found Bucky in Bucharest. After years of searching – years Steve spend falling harder for Sam and wanting to kiss him the whole time but never doing anything about it despite Natasha constantly encouraging him to go for it – they finally found him.

Steve fought for him with everything he had, fought for the only part of him he had ever felt worth fighting for, willingly gave up everything without even thinking about it, and he became a fugitive.

Through all of it, Sam stuck with him unconditionally and Steve loved him.

Even when he complained and bickered with Bucky and called Steve an idiot, Steve loved him.

And every time Steve looked at him for a split second too long, he wanted to kiss him.

But he never did.

T'Challa offered them a place to lay low in Wakanda and Steve took him up on it. They needed a place where they wouldn't be found and if they did get found, they needed some place with a lot of security. T'Challa's place seemed perfect so Steve took Bucky there.

Steve had his best friend back – somewhat broken but so was Steve. Bucky had always been a part of him, had always been there for him, had always stuck to his side, and Steve was just glad to have him back.

But, as he sat in the room that had been given to him, Bucky wasn't who was on his mind. It was Sam.

Sam who was still under lock and key in the underwater prison and not by Steve's side where he wanted– _needed_ him.

“Sam,” a familiar voice said, and Steve refocused and turned to look at where Bucky was standing in the doorway. There was a small furrow between his brows and the remainder of his left arm had been patched up and covered. “You like him.”

Ignoring the flutter in his heart and the heat in his cheeks, Steve said, “He's my friend. Of course I do.”

Bucky gave him a look. “You know what I mean, Steve.”

Steve hesitated for a moment, his heart beating rapidly in his chest. “I think I love him.” And there it was. He'd finally said it out loud.

There was a beat of silence and then a smile broke out onto Bucky's lips. “Good,” he said. “I remember... I remember always being afraid you'd end up alone.”

Steve bit back the bitter comment that threatened to leave his lips (“Did you always plan to leave me?”) and instead asked, “So you're not mad at me?”

“For liking a guy? Nah, Stevie, I don't care.”

Steve felt like he could breathe again, a heavy breath leaving him in an instant and his shoulders losing the tension he hadn't realized they'd been holding.

“You could've picked someone better than pigeon shit though,” Bucky commented in a mutter.

Steve rolled his eyes, smiling despite that. “I doubt that.”

Bucky huffed quietly and fell silent for a minute. “You should go after him,” he said.

“You sure?”

“I handled myself for two years without your dumb ass. Pretty sure I can handle myself for a couple'a days.” Bucky smiled at him, a small and crooked smile. “Go get your man.”

So Steve did. He broke into the underwater prison and got Sam out along with the rest of the team. And maybe, just maybe, he clung onto Sam a little tighter and a little longer than necessary when they hugged.

“Knew you'd come for me,” Sam whispered into his ear, and Steve squeezed him, burying his face in his neck and breathing him in.

They returned to Wakanda and when Steve found Bucky sitting in his room with a look on his face, he felt his body become numb and his heart stop beating as he braced himself for the bad news.

Bucky was going into cryo, had made the decision to leave. Again.

“I think going back under is the best thing,” he said after Steve had asked him if he was sure, a day later. “For everybody.”

_Coward_ , Steve wanted to say but he didn't. Instead he stood there and watched as Bucky left him again, watched as he was put under. And all Steve could do was swallow back the hurt and ignore the ache in his heart.

He stood and stared at Bucky's frozen form for as long as he could manage before he felt it too impossible to stay put together any longer. So he stormed out, past a worried looking Sam, and locked himself in his room, allowing himself to break for the first time in years.

♡  


Wakanda was beautiful. There were more trees and life than any place Steve had been before and he couldn't seem to force himself away from the window he had been sitting in front of for hours, overlooking the jungle surrounding their hide out.

His mind was carefully blank and quiet, his body exhausted after taking his anger and frustrations out on the punching bags T'Challa had shown him he could use in the basement gym. His knuckles hurt but it was better than the numb feeling he felt everywhere else. Numb and tiredness.

“You okay?” a voice to his right asked.

Steve tore his gaze away from the outside to look at Sam. Sam was walking over toward him, sitting down next to him with a worried and concerned look on his face.

God, Steve loved him. The love was enough to make him feel something more than numbness and exhaustion and a lingering pain from his knuckles, and Steve smiled at him. He knew the smile was tired and a little bit sad but he didn't care.

Nodding and looking back outside, he said, “Yeah, I'm fine.”

“Don't bullshit me, man,” Sam said. “I know you.”

Steve lowered his gaze and let out a sigh, the small smile slowly slipping from his lips. He fell silent for a minute.

“When I woke up,” he said, “I thought everyone I knew was gone. I was lucky to have Peggy but now she's gone too. And when I found out that Bucky was alive, I told myself I'd fight for him with everything I had. He's always been right there, making me feel like an actual person, so I owe him that much.”

He paused for a moment. “I've never thought life was worth living but he always made sure to remind me that it was. Or is. I don't know. He was sort of my reason to stay alive and when he fell from the train, I didn't last long on my own.”

There was a hand resting on his thigh and Steve's heart galloped in his chest as Sam squeezed. “I'm not saying I'm gonna go do something stupid,” he said hurriedly even though the thought had, admittedly, crossed his mind.

“You always do something stupid,” Sam said, and Steve rolled his eyes.

“You know what I mean. I just...” He let out a heavy sigh. “I thought I had him back but he left. Again. He always seems to leave, Sam. Everyone does.”

“Not me,” Sam cut in immediately, the hand on Steve's thigh squeezing in emphasis.

Steve lifted his gaze from it and locked eyes with Sam. His breath caught in his throat at the sincerity in his eyes.

“You're stuck with me, Steve,” Sam said, smiling that crooked smile Steve loved so much. “I'm not going anywhere, I can promise you that.”

Slowly, with his heart pounding in his chest, Steve returned the smile. They were so close, he could just lean over and kiss him. Right then and there.

He didn't.

“What about you?” he asked instead, smile fading into a frown. “You okay?”

Sam had witnessed Rhodey fall in what Steve assumed was the same way Riley had fallen. Or scarily similar, at least. He couldn't imagine what that was like and he was worried. He always worried about Sam, always thought about him, but especially now.

The sigh that left Sam was slow and heavy, and Steve watched as his face fell. Sam let the barrier fall, let Steve see the vulnerable side of him; the broken side that he so rarely showed. Steve's heart ached, the urge to pull him into his arms and keep him safe stronger than ever.

“Not really, no,” Sam told him with a small sigh. A beat passed, then he lifted the hand off of Steve's thigh to poke at him, his tone light and teasing when he spoke next. “See, that's how you do it. You admit you're not okay and then you talk about it.”

Steve couldn't help it. He laughed. For the first time in days, he laughed.

And when Sam brought his arms around him, Steve didn't hesitate to lean into him, closing his eyes and letting himself be held as he held Sam back.

He wanted to kiss him but he didn't.

♡  


Natasha had always told him he wasn't good at lying. She'd always told him he was terrible at it and that he wasn't any better at being subtle. He always just gave her a sour look and told both her and himself that she was wrong. He was great at being subtle.

But like always, he was proven wrong when Sam cornered him in the common room of their hiding place one evening, everyone else deliberately out of earshot to give them privacy.

“Are you ever gonna kiss me?” Sam asked, apropos of nothing.

Steve spluttered and nearly choked on the mouthful of water he had just taken in. “What?” he croaked out between coughs. His face was flaming and bright red, he didn't need to look in the mirror to know.

“Come on, man,” Sam said and gave him a look. “I've seen the way you look at me. You're not very good at being subtle.”

“I'm great at being subtle,” Steve argued immediately.

“Dude, you wear your heart on your sleeve.”

Feeling his face heat up with embarrassment and a hint of shame, Steve lowered his head and looked down at their feet. While Steve was still wearing his shoes, having only just returned from the basement gym half an hour ago, Sam was in warm and fuzzy looking socks.

Fuck, he was adorable. Steve loved him.

“Hey.” There was a hand grabbing his chin and Steve allowed his head to be lifted back up, his eyes meeting Sam's. Sam was smiling softly at him. “I don't mind.”

Steve's heart was pounding in his chest and he found himself staring shamelessly at Sam's lips. “Do you want me to kiss you?” he asked and shuffled a bit closer.

“Yeah, I'd like that,” Sam said in a lowered voice, so Steve didn't hesitate to do what he had wanted to do for years.

He kissed Sam. He brought his hands up to cup Sam's face and kissed him. He kissed him within an inch of his life, pouring all the love he felt for him into it. And Sam kissed him back, grabbing onto the front of his shirt and pulling him closer.

There was a whoop and a wolf whistle somewhere behind them – Clint and Scott, if he had to take a wild guess – but Steve didn't care. He didn't care that he shared his first kiss with Sam with the rest of the team. He didn't care because for him, in that moment, it was just him and Sam and no one else.

Kissing Sam was everything he'd ever thought it would be but so much better. Sam's lips were soft as they slid against his own. Sam let out soft noises when Steve dared to press in closer and deepen the kiss. Sam grabbed onto his hips and pressed them closer together when their tongues met, and Steve was in heaven.

“What makes you happy?” a voice in the back of his head asked when Sam snuggled into his side on the couch later that night, after they had detached themselves from each other's lips and after Clint had put on a movie. The voice sounded suspiciously like Sam, a bit of Natasha in it too.

Steve never really knew how to answer that.

In the past, before the war and before everything, he would have thought art was the answer. Bucky, his mom, going a few days without feeling sick or being close to dying. Maybe even having enough money to treat himself to some new shoes. That was what he used to think counted as happiness.

During the war, happiness wasn't his focus, just like love wasn't. When he woke up in the future, happiness was something he didn't think he could ever have. The same with love.

He never knew how to answer that question.

But when he held Sam through nightmares and after panic attacks and kissed him until his lips tingled and laughed at his jokes and got to hold his hand whenever he wanted, Steve knew it was worth it. Everything he had been through was worth it because it brought him to Sam.

“What makes you happy?” a voice asked.

“Sam,” Steve answered it. “Sam makes me happy.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Rebloggable post on [tumblr](http://hoechlbutt.tumblr.com/post/159345999753).
> 
> Kudos and comments give me life. <3


End file.
